From Chaotic to Joyful Parenting Through Changing Your Mind

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

child, experiencing, parents, parenting, people, peaceful parenting, mindset, feeling, true, behavior, brains, relationship, parenting expert, feel, thought, growing, mind, triggered, kids, robin

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Robbin McManne is a certified parent, coach, author, podcaster and speaker. She is a parenting expert. She's been all over the world. She does his work internationally for the personal development app live more. She also sits on the expert panel for Newsweek magazine, where she contributes and writes articles related to parenting. For the publication. I am so excited for our conversation today. Robin's work focuses on building and strengthening the parent child relationship so that children grow up with resilience, confidence, and strong emotional intelligence. You're gonna want to stick around for today's episode.

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The following was recorded in front of a live studio audience at the studio 21 podcast cafe. This is the United Podcast Network.

00:52

Welcome to rat race reboot. I'm your host, Laura Noel. And as a certified coach and former 27 year military leader. Each week, I provide bite sized mindset pivots that will help you reset your mind reawaken your spirit and regain your control. Hello, hello for another podcast episode. Robin. I'm so excited that you joined us for today's episode. Welcome to the show.

01:23

Thank you so much for having me, Laura, I think the world of you and to be here talking to you today is just It's my pleasure. And thank you so much.

01:31

You're welcome. And the feeling is mutual. You know, I'm really excited about today's topic, because I know how much energy and positivity you put into your work and the the impact you're having. Not only with people in your your own circle of influence, but with others who anyone who's connected with you, you have so many people who are following and aligning themselves with so much of your wisdom that you're sharing and, you know, to give our audience a sense of what it is you do and how you got to this place and your journey. I always like to start out our conversation to just if you can tell audience members, how did you get to this point as a parenting parenting expert? What brought you to this place in your career and your journey?

02:22

Yeah, well, I started out as the opposite. And it started 17 years ago, literally right around this time of the year when my first son was born. So I have two boys, and one is 17. The other is 14. And it really started when I first became a mom, you know, I thought that I would have this I thought I would be a natural. And after being 10 days overdue, and having two days of labor, which ended up in a C section and a beautiful baby boy who was born with a full head of red hair is gorgeous child of mine, who wouldn't stop crying who I couldn't soothe, who I couldn't feed either. Plus, I was in so much pain from a surgery that I'd never had so much as an IV before. I really started down a path of I really spiraled. And a lot of it was shame. It was shame that I wasn't good enough. And I couldn't do this. And I thought, like I said, I thought I would be a natural I thought this, like I thought I could do this without any issues. And I was so wrong. And I had read about women that had postpartum I read about women that couldn't reconcile their birth experience. And I thought that was stupid. You know, I mean, that's that was my mindset at the time. And so it hit me like a ton of bricks. And fast forward to today. You know, my, my son did kind of come out that way and remain that way. And he he does have some things he's he's neurodiverse. To put it sort of in a in a in a container. He does have a couple of things that he's been diagnosed with that affect and impacted his behavior, the way he processes things, the way his brain works, and it took us years to get help. And everything that I heard from these experts, including psychologists for me, and you know, people, psychiatrists for him and different things really just told us we were the ones who were wrong. We were doing this, it was my fault. And so that echoed louder for me, because I was struggling so much more my husband sort of more of a peaceful parent. Anyway. It was really through that pain that I finally found In this world of conscious parenting of peaceful parenting, and it changed my life, because I was instead of fighting who he was, instead of fighting my experience, I learned how to accept it. I learned how to accept who my child was, is to this day. And except that I don't know the answer that I don't always love being a mom. And that's okay too, to say that. So that really changed everything. And I come from a corporate marketing career. So it was a big change from that to what I'm doing now. But now I'm able to help parents do the same thing and not feel stuck in feeling trapped in feeling like they're not good enough, like they're at a loss and don't know what to do and are worried about the child's future. So that's what it is where I am today.

05:56

Oh, I you know, what a journey. And I, you had mentioned a couple of things I wanted to key in on conscious parenting, peaceful parenting. Can you tell me a little bit more about that?

06:08

Yes. Okay. So I'm so glad you asked that. So what what it is about what it means conscious, is, is really about the fact that we will parent the way we were parented unless and until we are intentional and aware of our thoughts, our words, right, the labels that we have on a for ourselves, our child, so to be intentional, and respond instead of react. So it means to really slow down for a second, you know, notice the thoughts that are coming through our head. Notice that those thoughts aren't the truth, they're going to come and go. And sometimes we attach to those thoughts that take us further away from our goals from what we want, and how we see our kids. And I teach parents how to look at a situation not as good or bad to look at their child's behavior as communication, that's letting them know that there's a need that isn't getting met, there is a feeling that's unvalidated, or they don't have a skill to do better yet. Because all through their childhood and into their 20s, they are still growing into their brains. So they don't have the ability to do some things that we can do, like regulate emotion, to understand their own feelings, to articulate them to have impulse control to understand cause and effect. And so it puts us in a position when we learn those things, that what we're doing with our kids is just teaching them to punish them, we don't need to future parent them, which means you take the behavior that you're seeing in front of you today. And you are parenting them because of what this might mean for the future. When we don't know what the future has, we just need to be in this moment, right and solve the moments, moment to moment. And know that when we do that, that ensures our future well being for our child and for us.

08:07

That, you know, that is it, it reminds me of. And it's so funny, because I did a podcast a couple of sessions ago, and then later, I'm going to do one, Keegan and Les, he talks about stages of adult development. And in the earlier stages, you know, when we're much younger, when we're children, it's Well, up until we're like the age of five, it's all about the eye. It's like, you know, we are the subject and so everything around us revolves around us. And then we start to kind of take in other perspectives. And so at these different levels, there's different capacities for learning. So it's not that a child is being stubborn. It's just our path and how we as humans, develop our mindset. You know, and so I love that you said, it's your you're teaching your you know, these are skills and when you're parenting in the future for it's that sounds to me, like it's based maybe in fear. Like, I'm fearful that might happen, right? Yeah.

09:13

It's exactly what it is. And it takes us out of this moment and out of rational thought to, and you're absolutely right, what we don't. And that's what we aren't told as parents is that we don't have a little adult that we're raising, we have a child and a child means we need patients with them, that their behavior is egocentric, and that's temporary. And that also means that what they're feeling and doing is not about us. We feel manipulated, we feel triggered, we feel coerced, we feel controlled, and it is just our child trying to get a need met. That's it. Yeah, right. And so we need to be out of that ego place too. But But unfortunately, or fortunately, our kids give us a real opportunity to heal our past as well, and heal the hurts that we have. Because there's no better relationship than parent child where you're invited through your own pain to heal yourself,

10:13

oh, whoa, there's so much to unpack here. I mean, when I think about a child behaving in a certain way, and the idea of not taking it personally, it just is, it's just where they are at that stage of the development, and you're teaching and nurturing and helping them grow, and their brains are still growing. But that's the same as you know, in goal achieving in general. So, you know, why wouldn't we accept that in terms of a relationship with another little being right? It's the same thing. So why would we let a circumstance and we're all human, you know, there's things that happen, that invite us to kind of react versus respond. But whether it's your child, or a nephew, or niece or somebody else, or a circumstance, all of those could be invitations to, you know, trigger something inside of us and react, you know, create that reaction. But another thing is, it's an opportunity, and I love this an opportunity to heal, you know, past relationships. And you talked earlier about how, how we were parented, if we're not thinking, if we're not doing this work in our mindset, we're, you know, we're going to repeat the same patterns, because we're not thinking or we're on autopilot. And we're just doing what's always been done. And, as you know, because you really are immersed in this work, and this mindset work is most of our behavior is habitual, most of it. And so when we're, we feel like we've been triggered, we go into autopilot. And that's what's our habitual way of being our paradigms. That's what's running the show, we're not thinking, so the importance of really stopping and separating yourself from, okay, my child is experiencing something, there's a need that's not being met, you know, let's, let's think about that. It's not, it's not me, it's not personal, then we can start to find creative solutions. So much wisdom there.

12:32

It's, it's really, really true. And, you know, how many times have you, you know, to the parents listening, you know, all of a sudden you you had so you freaked out at your child and you don't even remember, right, it's you're not in your thinking brain, you're you're really in survival and to use survival level tactics for everyday family life is. It's not what that's meant for right? And so parenting isn't an emergency day to day parenting isn't sure if your child's hurt, of course, of course. But it's not. So we can slow down it doesn't make us weaker, or in less control. Right. And, and you, you talk so much about how our subconscious is wired. And it's really driving the bus. And we don't have any other experience other than what happened in our childhood. And we operate from the place we were hurt the most, unless we're willing to look at those hurts. And so every time you're triggered, celebrate, because it's like, okay, there's an opportunity for me to say, Why am I triggered? What, what? What spout? Yes about it, maybe you need some help with somebody guiding you through that. And you know, that's what I do with parents, I look at everything on two sides. I look at the child and what must be happening with them. What are they actually asking you for? What are they telling you? That then what are you feeling? What are you seeing? What are you experiencing? And how is that not in alignment with what your child is experiencing? Right? Because we make it about us? And it's never about us? Right? So it's it? That's the work. That's really the work?

14:16

Yeah. Oh my gosh, wouldn't it be a great reframe? If you feel like somebody's pushed your buttons and you're like, ooh, yay, my buttons are pushed. Like because that's, that's like a cool thing to just kind of go okay, I get this. Now I get when our buttons are pushed, or when we feel like they've been pushed or we've been triggered that this is an opportunity to ask, okay, why am I feeling this way? Why is it bothering me so much? What do I need right now? Right? What would help? Yeah,

14:45

exactly. And if I can add, I have a system and it's called the parent pass. So it is an acronym for pause, ask show empathy and solutions. So the first thing you do when you're faced with a situation is you pause it And the ask is asking me, then I asked my child. So I asked myself, What is this about for me? What's going on with me? You know, what am I feeling? What am I saying to myself about my child? What am I labeling all this right? Do I even need to respond is also part of the questioning, right that you ask yourself, then you ask your child, and then empathy is empathy for me too. Like, this is hard. Sometimes it's okay to say it's hard, right? Instead of shoving it down, because it's going to come out somewhere, and usually all over your family, right, somewhere, it's up time, probably in the kitchen. You know, it's just one of those things. And then solutions, like this is all about working together with your child to figure out, hey, what do we do, you know, it's a much better way, and it produces these beautiful children who know in their heart of hearts, that they're loved and lovable, and that they're worthy because their pets treat them with respect. And that is really important, too.

15:58

Yeah, that is to it, you know, when you were speaking it, it reminded me of, you know, we have these experiences from our past that govern how we operate the lenses through which we see the world in the future. So if we are reacting, what are we doing to our children, right? So and So hey, because their brains are developing. And so when they're so young, up until you're the age of what, six or seven, you're like a little tiny sponge, you're absorbing everything, you know, the things that you observe the things that people say, the feelings and experiences you have, you know, I can, I mean, I kind of grew up in a tumultuous household. And I can remember, one year old in a crib, like things being thrown and crashing, and I could feel I remember what it felt like in my body, those things stay with you until you can kind of name it. And you know, that's pretty extreme. But we have these experiences, and they stay with us until we're ready to deal with them. So how do people How do you work with people? And what are some of the things that people have experienced through this process that you guide them through?

17:15

You know, it's, it's, it's incredible, because, you know, it's sort of starts with Oh, my kid is so difficult, oh, my kid is this or whatever? Right? And, and, sure, there, they may have a difficult time. But what what often is the case, and I'm not saying there aren't hard kids out there, I have one of them for sure. You know, a neurodiverse child is a very difficult time, it's a parent's, right, there's a lot of ups and downs. And you really have to, you really have to remind yourself over and over and over again, and I do some of the things that you teach, I do that with my clients, which is, you know, you've got to repeat, my child is just learning or I've got this or, you know, we can work this out. So there's a lot of limiting beliefs that we bring into this, because we take things personally because we miss understand what our kids are saying to us. So having my clients reframe, and like words matter, right? You know that right? Words matter. And our thoughts matter. And, you know, what I always say to clients is like, okay, let's talk about how that makes you feel. What is the internal dialogue like, and what is it costing you? So often, it's the costing that is like, wow, I didn't even think and because our brains have neuroplasticity, we can change the way we see things. But it takes repetition. So that means that you know, when I have, and I'll use one, one of my clients as an example, you know, she she does, she has she's parenting a four year old. And this four year old is really extra. And this mom has never been triggered like this before. And she's a very peaceful person. She's very, like Mother Earth, right? And she's never been so triggered. And it was a matter of, okay, I just need to see my child as needing help, as struggling to express herself as you know, needing sensory input as well, right. That's part of why she's really, really extra and why her behavior is challenging and why she's defiant. She needs a few different things, and that's where I can help. And then on the other side of things, it's her not saying things like, I'm done. I can't do this, you know, or like, she's such a troublemaker, she's so bossy, you know, and the reason why you want to also alter the have thoughts that you have you do it for yourself. So you see your child in a different way, but you do it for your child as well. Because how many of us have grown up with labels from when we were children that has impacted us to this day? Oh, no, I was always told I was selfish. If that was a moment in time that my dad decided I was selfish, and that has lasted up until me being an adult edit an adult. And what that did for me is it I knew my dad thought that of me, so I thought, well, that must be true. And then I would sort of engage in disempowering dislike people pleasing and wanting people to like me, and doing the best I could to make sure people like me. And dishonouring myself because of it. And my sister saw me as selfish too, right? You know, like, so you, that's the lens through which she saw me and our brains have the ability to, to, you know, if we tell them, we tell our brains that this is true confirmation bias kicks in, and it goes in search of proving it to be true for you. So now it is true, but it's not true. Right? So really, myth busting, and, and truth busting, what's really isn't really true. And if it is true, What's it costing you? It's not even worth it. Right? So let's look at it in a different way. So yeah, I hope that answers your question.

21:30

No, that's beautiful. It's yeah, it doesn't have to be the truth, we can change it, we can create a new direction if we don't like it, and we could shine the light of awareness on it. We can say, okay, I don't want to believe this anymore. What would I rather believe? And I, you know, I was just saying this the other day, it's like when you're carving out new neural pathways, It's like that old worn out path that I used to walk to when I went to the beach in Kailua, Hawaii, and it was well worn out. But there were other ways that I could get to the beach. And so maybe I walk in a new direction, and I smashed the blades of grass down. And day after day after day, after doing that, it becomes a well worn out path where it's visible. And it's it's smooth. And it's masked, right? So we can do that in our minds with what we're believing. And yeah, and you're so right, you know, we collect evidence to support what we what our paradigm say is true. And our filtration system, in our mind, will filter out everything that is not in support of that deep rooted belief. So yeah, it takes, it takes a lot of a lot of introspection. And I think it's really important, the coaching aspect of this too, because we can only take us as far as our level of awareness will take us. So I think you know, anyone out there who's struggling right now, and is resonating with this, I would definitely say reach out to Robin, because all of her contact information is going to be in the show notes. Because you really want somebody to kind of lock arms with you, and and T It sounds simple. Oh, just change your mindset. But, man, when your old conditioning kicks in, when do you start to I don't want to believe this, your old conditioning is going to kick in and trick you into pulling you back. And so that's why you want to have that support the support of a coach, if you can do that for yourself, oh my gosh, hands down, it's going to be the best thing that you could ever do.

23:35

Yeah, thank you for saying that. And I mean, this is the most important job we do. And we do it without any studying any preparation really, we prepare for the pregnancy and the birth. Not a lot for growing up our kids and understanding what really makes them tick. And, you know, peaceful parenting sounds very passive. It's not, it's not about letting your kids run the show. It is about empowering them and honoring who they are. not who you think they should be not who you expect them to be really honoring who they are and how you learn so much about yourself in the process too. And, you know, the parents that I work with are awesome people, they're beautiful people, beautiful parents, and they just realize, yeah, you know, I there's a few things that I could learn and I have some, some hurt that is getting in the way of my parenting.

24:28

Yeah, that's it, you know, yeah, we can, you know, do when we're outward focused. We can do things that are soft behaviors and hard behaviors. So soft behaviors, when we're outward focused, might be listening or, you know, gently guiding but a hard behavior might be having standards, you know, so we can be it's not passive at all. And we might say, I'm outward focus all the time. But if inside you're saying If this child was difficult, or oh, I don't want to deal with this, but and you're outwardly nice and doing the thing, you're, you're not really outward focused, you're still inward. And I recently was going through some trainings to, I've been working through this material and mindset and teaching it for many, many years. But there's always things that I learned it mindset is something that you keep working on, it's a part of my daily practice, as I know it is yours. And it we can always be better, we can always, always elevate our level of awareness. And it impacts everyone with whom we come in contact with and,

25:41

and the work is not for nothing, it is you feel confident, you feel more joyful, there is no better feeling than when you are a parent and you feel deeply connected to your child. It is so joyful, it feels so good. And that's why you became a parent. And, you know, if you're not feeling that way, there is a way to get there there is you know, my son who's 17, he says, I'm his favorite person, and her relationship has been rocky, you know, is a tough kiddo. And that means everything to me. And you know, I say to parents, sometimes, you know, yeah, it's some work, you got to do some work, but you're already uncomfortable. So why not be uncomfortable doing the work, right? Because it works and to feel confident in any situation that has a ripple effect throughout your life, right. And that's what feels great. And so it is just an invitation to more joy, more connection. And that's what we're here to do. We're here to be joyful, we're here to be connected. And that just again, like I said, this is about the future, too. You know, when we raise kids this way, it's so good for our future. It's good for our communities, you know, and when I work with businesses to help their employees, it's good for business, because when parents are thriving, the world is thriving. So I'm pretty passionate about it.

27:07

Absolutely. And so you said, it's an invitation for that joy and connectedness. So how do people get in contact with you to experience this?

27:17

Yes, well, you're welcome to get in contact with me. I'm kind of everywhere. So I would go to parenting for connection.com. So parenting, f o r connection.com. Just to be really clear, and you can really find everything there. But I'm on Instagram, I'm on Facebook, I'm on YouTube. There's lots of parenting support that I offer on YouTube as well. And it's parenting for connection there. So yeah, you can find me anywhere. And you know what I would love to talk to you if you feel like you could use a little support. What I do is guide you in a gentle way without judgment without criticism. I'm just there to help you to create that connection with your child and get the cooperation you want to, because that's important.

28:03

What a gift. I want to thank you so much for joining us today, the time flew by. But I know that our listeners got so much value out of this conversation, whether you have children or not. There's so much goodness in our conversation today. So I want to thank you so much for joining us.

28:21

Thank you, Laura, you are just wonderful. Thank you so much.

28:26

All right, well, we're going to end today's episode the way we always do, and that's in taking inspired action. And so let's kind of twist this up a little bit. You know, if you're thinking about relationships in your life, whether it's with a child or with a significant other, I want you to bring those relationships to mind. Particularly if you have one relationship that maybe there's a little bit of struggle and you'd like to see some improvement. And we're going to start to imagine that this relationship has grown and evolved. And it's, it's living and breathing exactly the way you've always dreamed of. And so I want you to bring that state of being to the forefront of your mind. There are no obstacles. Everyone is operating in beautiful harmony, mutual love, respect. And this relationship just feel so good and joyful to be a part of

29:44

when you're experiencing this beautiful relationship, or relationships, what kind of things are you doing? Together? How are you experiencing and CO All creating this beautiful energy in space how does it feel being you right now? And so you let this sort of movie screen image, play in your mind, maybe start to bring into focus that other person? How are they experiencing you, maybe you could get a glimpse of how they're carrying themselves in their body or their facial expression. Maybe they have an infectious laugh, that roars and bubbles up because of this connection you have together

31:04

and just sit with this feeling for a moment, and let the movie play. Because if you can see it, it's meant for you. This is your reality. You might have some ideas bubble up to your consciousness of something that you might do. Or say, an action, you might take a phone call you might make. And as those ideas bubble up, I want you to write them down. Because right now you're in harmony with what you want. So the ideas that come to the forefront of your mind are also in harmony with what you want. This is what taking inspired action is about and that is your path of least resistance.

32:13

Well, I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and if you did, I encourage you to go to rat race reboot.com Leave your comments on whatever platform you listen to your podcast on. Subscribe to my book that's coming out soon as well. So you get notifications and all the freebies that come along with it. And you'll see that on rat race reboot.com as well. But again, I really appreciate you joining us and remember, everything is created twice. First in your imagination in your mind, and then in physical form. We'll see you next week.

32:53

The views and opinions expressed by the hosts guests or callers of this program do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the studio 21 podcast cafe, the United Podcast Network, its partners or affiliates.